A participant on our recent one-day workshop ‘Getting Clear on Sex & Intimacy’ shares what led him to attend, and his insights from the journey.

Reaching my mid 30s and not having a sense of what imtimacy is, let alone what it means to be, has been rather disconcerting. A comment Darren (co-founder of The Quest) made recently resonated with some of the thoughts on sex and intimacy I had been having in recent months. He reminded me of a time when I was younger, when my identity as a gay man was not determined by sex or the overt sexualisation of the gay scene I find around me. It permeates so many aspects of our lives whether we choose to admit it or not: the gay press, scene magazines, limitless online pornography, online hookup sites, phone applications.. the list is endless.

And yet with this abundance of sexual stimulation I still find myself with an unsatisfied need. When did sex corrupt the innocent and idealistic younger me and make me loose track of what I actually wanted? More to the point, do I really know what I want? It was for this reason that The Quest Sex and Intimacy workshop seemed timely, and so reluctantly I found myself signing up for the day.

The day started innocently enough with a really nice ice-breaker where we greeted and hugged every person in the room and shared how we were feeling about the day. I love a good hug, and I decided that I really wanted to embrace the day and everyone that was a part of it.  By virtue of the workshop being something that each participant had signed up for, I was really struck at the openness and honesty that the other men brought into the room. There was a certain solace in hearing about the issues around sex and intimacy others face, but what I hadn’t expected was the lessons that could be learnt, or the perspective that could be gained, in sharing our stories with each other. This was always in the context of small 2-3 person exercises, and because we were constantly encouraged to change seats and move around the room, I found I ended up working alongside most of the participants throughout the day.

Two exercises stuck out for me in particular. The first involved detailing what sex and intimacy meant to me through 5 statements:

• Intimacy is…
• In a relationship intimacy is…
• Sustaining intimacy is..
• The problem with it is…
• What I love about it is…

And then the same five statements for sex. What struck me was how readily I was able to respond to these when it came to sex, but struggled to contextualise my thoughts when it came to intimacy. I had come into the day already knowing this, but setting it out clearly like this acted as a benchmark on which the other exercises and conversations during the day built on. Though it was uncomfortable, I appreciated establishing where I was with regards to sex and then intimacy in this way, and again hearing the thoughts and positions of other men was insightful and provided further food for thought.

The second exercise that left a huge impression on me was the exploration of my needs verses my habits around sex and around intimacy. I am all to familiar with my habits around sex, but really struggled to identify what my true sexual needs were. Somewhere I seem to have fallen into a routine around seeking sex or sexual stimulation and then what happens when this is enacted. If I don’t know what my own needs are sexually, how am I ever going to achieve the sex that achieves them? Achieving that realisation felt like a real lightbulb on the day.

Even more profound for me was considering what my needs around intimacy are, and that my habits in seeking intimacy are at such odds with these needs. For me my habits around seeking sex and intimacy are the same: I recognise that I have sought out casual sexual encounters in the past as means of validation and approval, but more tragically as an attempt to connect with someone fleetingly and have a glimpse of the intimacy I am realising I so crave.

I realised on the workshop that my core need for intimacy is not being met through the habits I employ to seek it, and again the power of this realisation really created a shift in my thinking about this whole issue. Who would have thought a day of simple structured exercises with a group of like-minded men looking to explore the same issues from their own unique perspectives would be so revelatory!

The real power of such things is what trains of thought and reflection, and what conversations and dialogue, come as a result of the work done on the day. I find my gay friends and I talk quite readily about sex, but rarely – if ever – about intimacy. I’ve started having conversations about the insights into myself I gained at the workshop, because the exploration doesn’t end there. The needs versus habit debate has really struck a chord with many of my friends and its surprising how universal the sense of unknown (and therefore unmet) needs exists in my peer group.

The workshop helped me reach some important realisations, but also to find the language to start a dialogue around these issues, which I feel I want to continue with friends and other gay men around me. If I consider what led me to attend the workshop, do I now know what intimacy is? Well, I have a clearer idea if what it means to me, I have a greater sense of what I would like it to be, and I’m working on challenging old behaviours that are at odds with what I want, alongside considering new ones that serve my true needs better. I look forward to seeing where they take me.

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In the third and final conflab between The Quest co-founder Darren Brady and international theatre practitioner and academic Paul Woodward, they make their final reflections on the power of crafted storytelling for the stage and its potential within The Quest provision, as well as heralding the launch of the next phase in storytelling The Haunting…

Darren
So this is our final conversation about storytelling. I know that you have recently performed yourself and I was interested to know- What do you think happens when somebody shares an important story about themselves with an audience?

Paul Woodward
Yeah I’ve been lucky enough to be working with the legendary performance artist and gay activist Tim Miller from the USA – he’s always been one of my performance hero’s.. I’ve learnt a LOT from working with him and am eager to try some of the things I’ve learnt working with a master storyteller with the next Quest project… more about that later… but in terms of your question..

It was fascinating to be actually performing in front of an audience rather than being in my usual role of directing or dramaturgy – it was humbling putting myself in that place of vulnerability I’m asking my casts to place themselves in… One thing that I noticed was a very curious PHYSICAL transformation occurring throughout the show… as I worked through some deeply autobiographical material I began to feel lighter and lighter as the piece progressed.. Literally as I laid it all bare on the stage I felt my baggage lessen… and at one point I had to leap up and be caught by two other performers… and I actually leapt further than I even have been able to in my life… it was like I could fly… and the other guys reported that apparently I weighted less than a feather… I mean I’m a chunky lad… but I had physically altered my weight ratio through this extraordinary catharsis… weird huh?

Darren
It’s an amazing bit of magic that happens. That is what makes watching this kind of event so riveting- to see that happen on stage also affects the audience. We get to let go of some of our baggage too. The word catharsis seems central to this process…

Paul Woodward
Yeah it does… its a charged word that goes back to the Greeks of course… that purging of excess anti-social emotions… of the stuff that hinders you through your journey in life… some theatre academics suggest that it was a way of keeping a form of social control, that having audiences emotionally drained leaves them more docile… but in my experience, when you are working through autobiographical material rather than a scripted piece with characters like kings and rulers etc… Something much more rewarding happens… the audience identify with the storyteller, if the story is well told, and the storyteller lets the audience in… And as the material is wrestled with… as real life experiences and issues are worked through in real time witnessed by an audience… something of alchemy happens… as the performer releases, so do the audience… each is crucial to the others transformation… its like a dance… or a trapeze act… each is dependent on reaching a safe place on each other… and we hold each other in the catch.. and we swing to and fro, and we feel that rush of air and emotion as we land somewhere else exhilarated… then its over to the audience… as if to say “come on.. don’t be scared…Its a fun ride… transform, transform, transform”

Darren
It sounds as though there is a distinction between a ‘play’ and a ‘happening’ where real people tell their real stories. It seems to me that in the latter it can only happen a few times for that ‘alchemy’ to occur. I cannot imagine a West End show running for 8 months being able to have that same effect on an audience

Paul Woodward
Yeah its an interesting one because that notion of replay-ability haunts many performance storytellers. How to keep it alive, when its live but repeated… talking to Tim Miller he has many strategies as do others… but its basic components are always the same… just channel yourself… channel the truth of the moment… remember the textures and sensate qualities of the memory… try and be there..  And in being there… let the audience SEE and FEEL what you FEEL…

I think that when we look at a photograph from our past for instance its rare that we feel the same thing EVERY TIME because we are different from moment to moment ourselves… our relationship to the memory changes.

And so I think that to be true to that relationship you have no choice but to PERFORM that difference and be authentic to that in front of the audience. Otherwise it might seem dry, too completed, and bled dry of its life force.

Darren
Interesting. Now then tell me more about the process you will be employing when you return to the UK this June to launch a new storytelling project with The Quest called The Haunting…

Paul Woodward
Gladly… I’m really happy about coming back and seeing everyone, and I’m beyond excited about this project and its themes that I am completely passionate about… I think that starting a new project I have to be a little in love or obsessed by it as its ideas both consume and take hold of me. The artistic process is already a little like a possession in the first place for me…

I guess it started as I was interested in what happened to the cast of Beneath the Surface in the last process… about how, when the material was generated, the memories that surfaced were ones that seemed to have some kind of a hold over the present.. And as such I began to think about how this was, in itself, like a form of possession too…or a haunting

An experience was called up from the ether of memory… stimulated by the workshop process… and they remaining shadowy.. Until this entity becomes encapsulated by the form of a story told by its author… the teller effectively brought this shadowy thing t into another realm… where it could be more tangible somehow… to a place where the memory be faced anew by both the cast and the teller.

It was like a séance of sorts.. And then through the processes of performing the story to an audience the cast commented on that moment of catharsis, and how the experience somehow began to lose its power over them

And so this kind of reminded me of an exorcism

So I began to think of a piece entitled The Haunting

And began to question where in our gay lives we are troubled by the past, like a troubled ghost of ourselves haunting ourselves

And about what we can do about this

What rituals can we make for ourselves to keep the past in the past where it belongs?

Darren
Yes. Ade and I talk about how we become ‘Spell bound’ by the version of what happened to us in the past. The story usually has a headline title. It might be something like ‘I was mis treated’ or ‘my heart was broken’ and those headlines then make up a big part of who we think we are- in those cases we would be casting ourselves in the role of Victim. We type cast ourselves!

Paul Woodward
Yes.. Spell bound… I like that… it’s like a mutual possession isn’t it.

I’m interested in the idea of the half hidden in the shadows…of the things that haunt us in our everyday lives but we only see them out of the corner of our senses… a haunting of ourselves by all our more insecure incarnations of self throughout time… the ones that feel ‘less worthy’ or ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ and ‘not good enough, not good enough, not good enough’

Darren
I think that when we are haunted by something that happened to us there is a big element of hiding or refusing to look. When we were children if we were haunted by the idea that a bogeyman was going to get us and was under our beds, we refused to look. We were petrified but did not take the action of looking under the bed to see that nothing was there. That would have relieved us of the haunted feeling.

Paul Woodward
Yes, but isn’t it the ‘I’m not going to look. I’m going to imagine’ impulse that actually fuels the fire of our imagination even further?… the fear transcends the will… and so becomes chronic… and paralyzing.

Refusing to look is like putting fire out with gasoline!

Darren
Yes! And very dramatic- like a really over the top horror film- Psycho or The Living Dead!

Paul Woodward
I think it will be fun to play with genre with this storytelling project… a gay ghost story… lots of chills and stuff in the first act… then bringing the ghosts into the real world in the second… and then finding some very powerful rites of passage and physical rituals with which to exorcise them and lay them to some kind of rest. I imagine there will be lots of storytelling in dark rooms, and around fires and in unconventional spaces just to tap into that sense of the taboo, the forbidden… to play with what scares us… as everyone is haunted by something when they turn off the light at night

Darren
So will you be looking to show the imagined stories or the ‘just what happened’ which would probably be a lot less theatrical?

Paul Woodward
I want to work with a group of gay men to see what those common themes and ghosts are

Darren
So you’ll be exploring Fear more than Reality?

Paul Woodward
I would find a bridging world where these things can meet.

And find a way to describe that meeting point that was satisfying to both the storyteller and the audience alike

Darren
Will the audience be aware of which side of the bridge they are on?

Paul Woodward
Good question – I think id like to keep them guessing in a way… sometimes its in the in-between spaces that we do our most creative and powerful inner work

Darren
Sometimes and sometimes it just perpetuates a sense of confusion between the 2! In my experience making a clear distinction can be a very powerful way of escaping a trap.

The trap of being caught in our dramatic story.

It sounds like it will be a powerful process and a riveting performance. How do people find out more or get involved?

Paul Woodward
Well all the details are available here and there will be an email notification sent out any day now. There’s a Facebook page too which they can like and get up to date info about the project… and if anyone is interested and wants further details then they can contact me at thehauntingquest@gmail.com

Like I said, I’m thrilled to be coming back and launching this next phase in performance storytelling with The Quest… its gonna be another beautiful and enriching process!

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Rainer, a participant on our recent workshop ‘Getting Clear on Sex and Intimacy‘, reflects on the one-day exploration.

In our society there aren’t many places where I feel save enough to allow deepest feelings to occur. During the ‘Sex and Intimacy’ workshop in April, I had the possibility to ask myself how I am in this subject in relation to old lovers, to clichés and to my own beliefs. The questions being asked scrutinised my own thinking and opened something up in myself.

Exploring what my relationship to sex and intimacy is, I found myself having a hard time to separate those two. Although one can have sex without much intimacy, I find it still confusing. If I just want to have sex with a guy, maybe what I really want is intimacy, but it’s hard and too difficult to create it. Maybe the sex is easier to deal with, as it can be a technical thing.

It is a confusing subject and what I was getting clear on that day was that I am very scared around intimacy. Really appreciate that I was able to express that to the group and let that be with me as part of my process of the day.

The workshop was structured in a way that I was able to go through my fear and feel empowered at the end of the workshop.

The subject also leads me into confusion about what is real and what is fantasy. One can feel pressurised by a hierarchy of relationships, a compulsion to have to have ‘The boyfriend’. If not, all other relationships are not able to shine as much. Being confirmed that this is not true, strengthened my belief that I can be very happy with being close to friends, without being in ‘the love relationship’. There are so many possibilities to get close to people and really being close with a person and really attending to the person finally counts.

The day has been challenging, as well as joyful exploring such an intimate subject with my gay men fellows, something quite unique in itself!

Thanks so much Darren and Ade.

Rainer

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Writing isn’t fun for everyone, but everyone does it. Whether you’re sharing a Facebook status update, tweeting a cheeky comment or sending an email, you are writing on a daily basis. Even if writing isn’t your “thing”, you probably understand the importance of it.

Unfortunately, writing has become a very rudimentary activity in our lives, when in fact it can be one of the most powerful skills we have with which we can express our creativity, thoughts, ideas, feelings, and learn new things about ourselves and the world around us.

Click here to find out more

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I’m real pleased that I signed up to do The Quest’s Mastery Weekend. It helped to complete a few of the things that I started to deal with during The Exploratory Weekend. In fact, I kind of think of them both now, as a single entity. A week’s worth of Questing, with a bit of an intermission, half way through.

Seeing guys change, seeing guys free themselves from their shackles and weighted chains, has been truly heart-warming. So fantastic to witness. And I hope the other guys who have drifted away, are in a better place than they were before.

I suppose it’s about Expectations, ours and others. Do people really think that spending a weekend or two with Darren and Ade is going to immediately transform all of our lives? Ah, but wouldn’t that be miraculous if they could. Just a swish of their magic wands. . . Unfortunately though, we live in a world without that specialist brand of magic.

The Quest process is therefore more akin to driving a car. You pass your test on the Quest Weekends, but you only really learn how to drive, when you’re on the roads afterwards. It’s about putting the work in, post Weekend, that really counts. That work that we do. It gets scary, hard and dirty at times, don’t it? And so easily, you can doubt, you have strength to make that lasting change.

But when the going gets tough, there is no shame in asking for a little help. I think I still may need a little help in that area. Spent far too long a time, locked away in my shyness, in my hidden and my not so hidden isolation.

Isolation being such a multifaceted gem. It’s not just about being lonely, it’s about being crippled in accessing those mechanisms for change. The dynamics of connection, nay re-connection and growth.

Always loved the word, Catalyst. Love the process it assists.

Catalyst:

1. Chemistry . A substance that causes or accelerates a chemical reaction without itself being affected.
2. Something that causes activity between two or more persons or forces without itself being affected.
3. A person or thing that precipitates an event or change: “His imprisonment by the powers that be, served as the catalyst that helped transform social unrest into revolution.”
4. A person whose talk, enthusiasm, or energy causes others to be more friendly, enthusiastic, or energetic.

The Quest being a Catalyst. I can see Darren and Ade throwing that word into many a subsequent workshop – lol.

It prompts me now, to look back into the dark times of my recent past. I was so sad, so unbelievably sad. I was so consumed with the complexities of my strangled situation, lost and alone in the darkest of forests, while my heart languished at the bottom of some deep pit of despair. So clearly I believed there was no hope for me. . . No escape. . .

Wow, I didn’t want to go down the dark path writing this. I was really happy last night at the Tuesday Social. . .

And having just checked in with myself, I am still happy now. I am ok. I am sufficient. I am good. Oh, Fuck it. I AM GREAT!

You know, I get a warm feeling knowing that we are all teachers to those around us. Comprehension such a precious gift too, when we learn from others. All the good and the bad that they share. It really is up to us, what we do with it. How we play those cards. You know, I sometimes get so jealous, wishing I had been blessed with a better hand. Better cards, than the many bum cards I also got along the way. It really hurts sometime. But it’s not the cards you get, but how you play them that counts. The real yardstick, in assessing the success of your life.

Hey, I think I now sound like Clare Baldwin at the Para Olympics “Fate is what happens to you, destiny is what you do with it.”

Go on, work for that Gold!

Jason

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Jason, a recent participant of The Quest Weekend Exploration and The Quest Mastery Workshops, continues the personal story of his journey with The Quest. (Part 1)

I began to regularly attend the First Tuesday Socials. Still shy and awkward though. This new peer group was so different from my “other” peer group. The one of “Grebs, Goths and Metal Rockers.” Oh and please don’t think I was not being gay when I was with the “Rockers.” I was. I still am the ultimate Uber-Gay there. How could I be anything else? Surrounded by a sea a heterosexuals, the only man in the room, with any sense of style when he danced. And with such a “predatory, sexual, menace.” How the girls love it. And yes, the straight guys there too! And both peer groups accepting of me, for who I am, what I am, whoever that maybe.

Love, unconditional love, anything less is not worth a damn.

Then The Quest did the “Going Beneath the Surface” performance. Gay men standing up on stage and telling true stories from their lives. Telling their uncensored truth. And yes sometimes, the painful, brutal truth of their history.

I remember arriving for the performance. I was nervous too. I think it was the first time I wore my gothic gear to a Quest event. The “Rockers” celebrated my gay side, so I thought therefore, it was now time to let the “Gays” see me. See my fun, gothic side.

I sat right at the back of the theatre. The stories began. My armour crashed to the floor around me. Extremis spoke to extremis. These men, so different to me, became men, no different from me. Forever grateful. Thank you guys.

The following weekend. I thought to myself, “I wonder, do I have what it takes to write my story.” So, being a perverse bastard, I sat down one Saturday morning and wrote my history. I sat down on the sofa. I opened up the laptop. And I wrote “I am 4. My first memory. I am scared, the light hurts, my head is burning, keeping eyes shut. . . ” The hands, they did the work, they literally took over the writing. It was so strange, I had talked about all this stuff ad infinitum, there was no new information there. Yet there I sat, reliving every blow. . . every fucking blow.

The writing was now a process of connection.  I was being reconnected to all those other, earlier selves. It was highly traumatic. The fingers, just would not release their grip, on the story, that they had to tell. I just watched my life getting printed on the screen, my life, in all its, unremitting brutal truth. And I cried through the whole process, cried and cried. And I did it all on my own. Not good. No, not good at all. Please, avoid this last bit if you can guys, until you have people there to support you. No need for any of you, to go through your shit, on your own, any more.

So, I now had my history in my bag. So, what to do with it? My history, who I am in 10,000 words. I spent weeks clinging onto it. It was all there. My shame, my anger, my pain, my grief, my guilt. The thought of sharing my story with anyone terrified me, but I knew, that it had to be done. I sent my history to Darren, Ade and Paul (the drama guy behind the storytelling performance). They are still the only three people who have read the whole thing. Read the whole of me.

I carried on going to the Tuesday Socials. I got better there every time. Even though I still felt I was a “fraud” being there. What with me being, self-labelled, the first Questee Workshop “Failure.” Yes, it used to bug me a lot, that I did not finish that first weekend. It was decided that I would do a resit, retake the course.

This second attempt at the, Exploratory Weekend Workshop, happened in February 2013. It had been said, that I was now “ready.”

I came prepared, for a couple of days before the start of the course, I had written my letter. You know, “that” letter. The one you write to your 16 year old self. I was determined I was not going to fail that exercise again.

The Saturday morning of the workshop arrived. The letter writing exercise began. I sat and waited patiently. The writing part of the exercise came to an end. A call was issued for volunteers to read out their letters. This was the Rubicon I had to pass. It would be the first time that I would read out, to others, something that I had written. No one knew what was in my letter, except me. I began to shake. My voice cracked as I volunteered to read out my letter. I kind of zoned out whilst reading my letter. The room in which I sat, was no more. I was just me, the letter and the guys to witness.

I read out, aloud, for all to hear, my letter. A plea to that poor, scared kid, deep inside. For him to listen to me now. For I gave that sweet, innocent kid my compassion. I gave him my love. I began, at that point, to truly care for myself. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. So fucking painfully torturous and yet so. . . liberating.

I slaughtered so many demons in that telling, in that showing, in that sharing.

And it seemed that the other guys in the room got something out of it too. It seems our shared stories, they really do, make us. . . stronger.

I also returned for the Sunday session. Yes, I completed the course. Hell, I fucking Ace’d it!

I then began, tentatively, to share my story with others. A few selected stories from my history. It was still difficult for me though. I still clung onto this bizarre belief, that I was giving away part of me, part of my soul in the telling. And if I gave all of it away, would there be anything left of me? What If I gave it all away and my anger went with it? Then who would I be? Would I turn back into that “Dead Man Walking”?

I had nothing to fear though. For I found, that in the telling, that it wasn’t just about me and my story anymore. It was about the listener too. For in proclaiming my truth, I emboldened others to tell theirs. We thus build and strengthen our connections, our bridges to one another. And I have now, told my stories, to both sexes, all ages, the gays and the straights. Their reactions the same. We really are, all the same underneath. We just have to dump the crap and walk out of our prisons. Bloody hard I know, but look at the alternative, everyone carrying on in the same way, that has always gone before. Repeated, tired acts that have been prescribed and proscribed.

But, we can be so much more than our genes and our environment. More than our history. More than the “story” we tell ourselves. To be more than the sum of our parts. And the choice is ours to make. Tell me, are you going to make that choice?

This process of self-discovery is so illuminating. A process of reflection, refraction and revolution.

And I knew that after finishing my first The Quest Exploratory Workshop, there was more work to be done. I signed up to do The Quest Mastery Workshop in March 2013. You will be pleased to hear I conquered that one too and in the challenges that were set. Some of which though, are still being worked upon. . .

You see, I still find myself having trouble, in that blighted field, that is forgiveness. To forgive myself for certain events, both the real and the imagined. Was I to be forever plagued, with those ifs and those buts? My persona trapped in a fugue of self-torment and recrimination.

Then I realised, in the reflection after doing the Quest Mastery Weekend, that it wasn’t my head that was torturing my soul. It was my heart. It was my heart that was still replaying all those ifs and buts.

For my heart inherently knows, that we are supposed to do no harm to each other. And through my own action / inaction another human being, fell. My heart, it labours so, because of the poison, in its corrupted flesh. The flesh so stained, that no amount of scrubbing on the surface, will ever make it clean. My heart has got better over time I must admit, but when triggered I am still aware of the fact that it considers itself damaged, not worthy of flying free.

Forgiveness by the heart is so complicated though. It is not like the gut which communicates in the absolutes of yeah or nay, the black or the white. It is not like the head either, which with patience, can be untangled and then reasoned with logic. The heart sits between these two worlds. It has laws wholly unto itself. And it is here, where my heart sits. That fallen place between worlds, between the worlds of the living and the dead. Is this why I identify so much with the sensibilities of the gothic undead? And trust me, I know, this is hardly a new revelation for me.

I am still working on this forgiveness thing. I may update you sometime. If you are good? If you think you’re going to hang around for a bit? Tell me, can you hear the playfulness in those last sentences? Can you hear the humour? I do hope so.

So, please don’t think this The Quest thing is heavy, heavy, heavy. There is fun in there too.

As a matter of fact, my favourite exercise took place during The Quest Mastery Weekend. We were asked to bring in a song that was important to us. A song to introduce ourselves by. A song that personally resonates. A song that is an aspect of self or history. Oh, how I loved this “challenge”. Though it was hardly a “challenge” for me. I knew my song choice immediately. Music being so important to me. Music being the friend that I had, when I had no others. I clearly remember as a little kid, holding that album cover up and looking at that woman with the blonde hair, whilst I played that one song, over and over again. The song of my childhood? “Stand By Your Man” by Tammy Wynette. Yes, me thinks, the die was cast at a very early age.

All the guys on the course got to play their songs. Our opened windows, into the core of our inner being. It was such a brilliant way to connect. No place to hide. Ah, to lay oneself bare, in front of others. A mark of true courage. I was the last guy to have his song played. I had suspected my song would be of a different kilter than everyone else’s. I was proved right.

I introduced my song. A song that has been with me, for twenty years. A song, that when I first heard it, it dropped me to my knees. For I knew right then, that there were people out there, like me. Guys who had the same fire and rage. I was now, not so alone. Such a “Freak.”

Before the song, my song, came on, I got the guys in the room to back up, back away from me. It was the song that I played, when I walked out of that, my very first, The Quest weekend. The same song I played when I first had to “Show” instead of “Tell” in front of another guy. A song of rage and oblivion. A song in celebration of life. The song a blatant plea to be heard, to be seen, to be understood.

The song “Coma” by Guns N Roses.

Listen to it if you dare. The whole ten minutes, in all its glory.

So I wonder, what your song would be?

Tell me, do you want to be heard, to be seen and be understood?

Tell me, do you wish to start out on the most important journey you will ever make? A journey into and unto yourself. A journey to your true authentic self. To achieve the destiny of your inner child.  A child that knew, still knows what his birth right was. And still could be.

So, tell me your song. Do not be afraid. I will be there to hold your hand. Come, share your song. Share your story. It’s good to share, trust me, I know. . . so painfully. . . I know.

Love and Light.

Love and Fun.

Jason

The post My Journey with The Quest (Part 2) appeared first on The Quest.

Jason, a recent participant of The Quest Weekend Exploration and The Quest Mastery Workshops, shares the personal story of his journey with The Quest.

Hmm, my journey with The Quest.

Okay, so where to start? Where to begin? Hmm, okay, here goes.

Hi. My name is Jason. Pleased, very pleased to meet you.

You may have seen me around. May have seen me at one of those, The Quest events. Seen me standing there. Oh, you know the one, that strange guy in the gothic clothing. The “freak.” The “fuck up.”

There now at The Quest, in my assumed role of service. A point of light along your way, if you so choose, to stop on by. There for those, most alone, those lost in the darkness of their nights. A safety net for the fallen and the dispossessed. A hand held out to “My Brothers in Arms.”

And tell me, do you wonder about me? Wonder how I got to be this creature before you?

Ah, my history, now that really is a story in the telling. . . in the showing. . .

But, I will hold myself, in talking to you now, about only these past several months or so. The months that I have journeyed with The Quest.

My first contact with The Quest was via their Website. It seemed interesting. Some place different. It called to me in my darkness. And my darkness was. . . Well. . . Very DARK.

I decided to go to one of their, First Tuesday Socials. I was terrified when I first entered that, meeting arena. You see, hanging around with gay guys, is something that, I have never really done. It was strange standing there that night. I was dressed as a “mundane.” I wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible, whilst I scanned and computed for threats. For the “catches” that had to be there. But, there was no ulterior motive, in the existence of these guys though. Just a burgeoning sense authenticity. It felt safe.

So, unlike those others places. Those places I did not feel welcome. Those bars and clubs where I felt I had nothing, nothing worthwhile at least, in common with the guys that frequented them. Those hunting grounds soaked with insatiable hungers and their prey. Everyone seemingly “scalping” each other. The hunters always looking for their next conquest, their next drug fix. The hunters with their polished exterior. Which jokingly belied, my perception told me, of their own inner crumpled turmoil, their mudded desperate interior. Ah, the facades and the loneliness that I feel in that street “Old Compton.”  A street, that at times is so crowded. Where I feel, in amongst the crowd, so completely lost and yes, ignored. Alone within this city. No one seeing me.

So tell me, when you walk down that street, does anyone ever really see you? I mean, see the real you?

Or maybe you are like me, not knowing. . . who the real you, the real me. . . really is. You know, that person you knew, knew you were always supposed to be. The one you were born to be. The one out there, shining bright, with light, from deep within. The one before the school of hard knocks came by. The hard lessons that were taught and learnt. The punches, the kicks, the shame, the rejections, the fear, the hurt, the boyfriends, the deaths, the drugs. . . Oh that list goes on and on. . .

So, there I was at my first Quest Tuesday Social. It felt so strange and alien being there. I barely knew how to interact with these gay guys. This was not my “scene.” Yet, there was something familiar about the sense of acceptance there. A place I remembered from another world, a better world. A memory of a future time, maybe.

Oh, how my mind, likes to drift away with the faeries at times.

I decided there and then, to sign up to one of The Quest’s Exploratory Weekend Workshops.

The weekend arrives. I think I am okay. And I know that I am not. I am a mess inside. Between you and me, I was the proverbial “Dead Man Walking.”

I do the Friday evening of the workshop. They keep referencing past hurts. They referenced shame, but I definitely had no shame left. Surely, I had eradicated that twenty years ago? They referenced Rage. Ah, now at last, they were talking my language. Rage, my unadulterated rage. Anger, the lifeblood of my species. My anger, that has always been there for me, got me through every shitty thing that has ever happened to me. Anger that had been internalised and forged into an impenetrable suit of armour. Armour covered with a nice smiley and oh so, affable face. Ah, the masks we wear, one on top of another. . .

The Saturday arrived. I pretend I am okay with the process. I know that I am not.

We were asked to write a letter to our younger, sixteen year old selves. The exercise stopped me in my tracks. I stared at that blank piece of paper. I could not bring the pen to the emptiness. The exercise came to its timed end. I manage to write the only thing I could think of. Just five words. It hurt to see the truth, my wish, written down. I think I was the only one of the group not to read out his letter.

Oh, the five words, the simple sentence.

“Take the pills and die.”

There I sat, shocked and appalled. I had no love or compassion for my younger self. And trust me, I knew how much, that innocent kid had suffered. And if I could not love myself, then how could I expect . . .  Ah, but you see, I also knew the hurt, that awaited that kid in the years ahead. So much hurt. It being, too much, for one person, to bare.

I began to disconnect from the process. I began to disconnect from the group.

By the end of the Saturday session, I knew I was not in a good place. My anger withheld from the group. That bunch of “Poofs” were no match for me and my RAGE. Going home, I played a song of anger repeatedly on my MP3 player. I thought I could drain away, with the help of this song, some of my rage. And that I would be in a calmer place for the Sunday session. Who was I kidding, my anger was inexhaustible.

I did not go back on the Sunday and complete the weekend. I was the first guy to “fail” the course.

It took several days for my rage to subside. I felt sad. I had this chance, this opportunity to change and I let it fall through my fingers. I also felt really guilty, for bailing out, on the other guys on the course. Sorry guys.

I did however, stay in touch with Darren and Ade. They were still pretty much in the dark as to who this “Jason” was, but I think they had an inkling. They did not reject me.

Then Darren, asks me to find someone and instead of telling them about my pain, instead show them. You see, I can talk about my history, about my hurt and my pain so clearly, so concisely. For I have had to talk to those “Professional Types” in my past. Talk, talk, talk. Did it do any good? Not really.

So I do find someone and sit them down in my bedroom. I told them, that I was going to show them, what I see in the mirror. Allow them to glimpse the creature behind the mask. I turned the music up. I played that special song of anger. I took the barriers down.

I erupted. The rage came pouring out. Spitfire venom, combined with a dance, of such violence and viciousness. Finally a witness to my soul. My soul that had been ripping apart for so many years. It felt good, to share. The telling was just not good enough for me, I had to show it. Show it all. Show myself, in all my glory, all the good and the bad. Show my true self. I think it was, at that point, that I began to reconnect.

Click here for Part 2 of Jason’s journey……

The post My Journey with The Quest (Part 1) appeared first on The Quest.

Darren: Yes and often we think the act of sex is intimacy when in fact it can be totally lacking in intimacy. So how would you describe the ‘language of intimacy’?

Ade: I would say the language of intimacy is the same as the language of Vulnerability. I recently heard Brene Brown say vulnerability has three components – Risk, Emotional Exposure and Uncertainty. When I look at my own journey with intimacy, it’s when I allow myself to be open to those three components, that I find myself in a space of connection and authenticity with the person that I am with. You?

Darren: The language of Intimacy, for me, is about being seen. When I allow all of me to be seen by a person without masks, act or fluff. It’s when I drop trying to be something and just start being. Like, being how I am when I am alone with myself, but ‘witnessed’ in this state by others. When I allow this to happen then the 3 components that Brene talks about are present. There is the thought that I am ‘not enough’ by just being me and so to allow the ‘just me’ to be seen leaves a space of uncertainty…will the other person/ people think I’m ok?  It’s about valuing our pure self and not hiding it.

Ade: Indeed, by allowing myself to be vulnerable, I show myself to the other without my masks. There are still moments when my old scars and wounds tell me that ‘vulnerability’ is weakness and then I try to compensate in some shape or form and in those moments, I notice that the intimacy connection is broken. I guess for many gay men we’ve learnt to be self-sufficient, which in a way is saying ‘no’ to vulnerability and as such many of us struggle with the language of intimacy. Many of us however know the language of ‘sex’ very well. That is what we often see around us, those are the tales that have been passed on down from the previous generations – media, family, culture, society. I just came across this quote, which is an extract from a 1967 US documentary called ‘The Homosexuals – “The average homosexual, if there be such, is promiscuous. He is not interested or capable of a lasting relationship like that of a heterosexual marriage. His sex life, his love life, consists of a series of one–chance encounters at the clubs and bars he inhabits. And even on the streets of the city — the pick-up, the one night stand, these are characteristics of the homosexual relationship” Sadly, this is a stereotype that many still carry – some consciously, some unconsciously.

Darren: Wow that is strong! I think that the idea of sexual identity was unheard of in those days and that being gay was seen purely as a sex orientation. Everything points towards the sex rather than the person. In a way it dehumanizes gay people and says that we are a sex act. That thinking is still very much alive for both gay and straight people. Parents think that they cannot talk to their young (5/6/7 year old) gay children about their identity because they think it is about sex and should wait until they are teenagers or sexually active. Some gay people also think that their being gay is just about sex and that ‘what goes on behind my closed doors is just my business’. This emphasis on sex denies the idea that we are gay people that we have a distinct identity

Ade: So true. I was with some gay men recently when two of the guys mentioned that they were currently celibate. There were a couple of guys in the group who did not feel that a gay person could be celibate, and the question of ‘so are you still gay’ was asked – as if, it was simply the act of sex that defined these guys as gay. I now come across many guys who do want to speak the language of intimacy, but they often meet guys who want to speak the language of sex; guys who want physical/sexual intimacy and not emotional intimacy. I guess it’s all about speaking both languages – taking off the masks. And to do that I guess we return to our regular theme of ‘healing old wounds and acknowledging old scars’, for if we don’t heal our wounds or pay attention to our scars, then perhaps we will keep returning to old habits and behaviours. I guess the way men are perceived in our culture also plays a part in all this. For many men do not do emotional intimacy, but are well versed in sexual or physical ‘intimacy’.

Darren: It’s interesting that many of the guys on our workshops allow themselves to be more intimate than they ever have been or even are with their friends and partners. We create the conditions for intimacy to be present – and this is within a group. It turns on its head the often prevailing idea that intimacy is only for couples and only during the sex act. At The Quest workshops we experience intimacy, with groups and no sex involved – that’s quite revolutionary! And it is such a beautiful experience and the guys are really moved and fulfilled when it happens. Sadly it can almost seem like a mirage, as we then have to return to a world where this level of connectedness is limited. I suppose in some ways, events like football matches and church services can act as a kind of group intimacy exercise!

Ade: Yes, a space is created where the guys take off their masks and in doing so; they face their old wounds and scars and a different way of being. I guess for many its then about how to clearly and authentically express their needs when they step out of that environment – so if someone wants to have sex, and knows deep down that this is what he wants fine. But if someone wants connection and emotional intimacy, and someone thinks I will automatically get that by having sex, then that person needs to pause a second and explore what’s going on. There is something about getting clear in identifying and authentically expressing our needs when it comes to relating with others – intimate partners and friends.

Darren: Yes and we are frightened of expressing those needs because we often judge being needy as wrong. For many people saying ‘I need to be held’ is a lot more scary than saying ‘ I want a fuck’, as sex is seen as an acceptable, even valued need, whereas intimacy is seen as weak and wrong.

Ade: The list is indeed long and include – ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am not worthy’ and ‘I am a mistake’. And this is where the language of vulnerability comes in – for in taking that risk to drop the mask and be emotionally open, face our fears and embrace uncertainly, we step into a space of intimacy. Therefore in order to express our authentic needs we need to take a risk and know that the other person might not necessarily respond in the way that we hoped and that’s okay. We also need to be aware of where we might be sabotaging our longing and desires for intimacy. I know for me, sometimes I don’t take that risk because I think I am going to be hurt or seen as not enough, and then I kick myself later for not being good enough. Gosh! This authentic expression stuff does require constant practice!

Darren: Yes we kill something before (we imagine) it kills us. I remember falling in love and being vulnerable and then when the relationship ended I think I shut part of myself down. It was as if I blamed the intimacy and love for the end of the relationship whereas that had nothing to do with why it ended. I unconsciously blamed my openness for the hurt I felt when it ended. I blamed the wrong thing and then punished ‘intimacy’ by saying I wouldn’t make that mistake again- ludicrous really. Rather than experience joy we would rather kill it off because we cannot bear the idea of it not lasting forever. So now I distinguish Joy from Pain and that makes it easier to allow myself to experience joy.

Ade: I like that, for intimacy does release ‘joy’. For me intimacy feels like this open door and I have no idea what is beyond the door, but in order to go through I must drop everything I am carrying and simply trust. So, very often I whisper to myself ‘everything is going to be okay’ before I go through that door. Saying ‘I love you’ is one of such doors for me. It’s not something that I had said to me growing up, or heard in my early relationships with boyfriends and friends; I often therefore felt a sense of vulnerability before saying it. For saying it meant taking off my mask and saying ‘here I am in my bareness’. Sometimes, in saying it I find myself thinking the other can see my vulnerability. And then it passes and I do not die and the world does not end. It is an ongoing journey. So, final thoughts?

Darren: Yes, I would encourage anyone reading this confab to join in the conversation by either commenting below or by attending our workshop on April 13^th – it’s open to all Gay men and we will be exploring these themes more in a very interactive way. By the end of that workshop there will be a lot more clarity around sex and intimacy, which will allow us to move forward confidently.

Ade: I’m looking forward to continuing the conversation online and in and our session next month!

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The post Getting Clear on Sex & Intimacy appeared first on The Quest.

“Doing the inner work gives us access to our own power. This creates the conditions for a transformed world”

Ade: There has been a lot in the press over the past couple of days about Cardinal O’Brien in terms of him allegedly having ‘inappropriate relations’ with a couple of priests. Not sure if it is indeed true, but if it is, what came to mind for me was – here we go again with a closeted homophobic person who has unresolved shame issues. What thoughts and feelings came up for you?
Darren: A mixture of feelings. Partly I was sad at the idea of somebody being trapped in a role that demanded suppression of a central part of their identity and who then allowed this to find release in circumstances that were not consenting. Another part of me felt excitement that a silence was being broken, that some truth – however dark – was coming to light. How about you?

Ade: Yes, also a range of emotions. I felt sad that someone in a position like his was not using his life to help heal the wounds of others. This is a guy who has been very openly homophobic and infact last year was named Stonewall Bigot of the Year. He is someone who could help bring about change and help many gay men and lesbians heal their relationship with God. Instead, due to his unhealed stuff he has not helped at all.
Darren: Yes the ‘unhealed stuff’ can have a powerful and negative impact and when that is present in someone with power and responsibility it can be a recipe for disaster. For most of us – who do not hold these positions – I suppose we can look at the negative impact that our own unhealed stuff has not only on ourselves, but also on those around us. If we do this we can begin to understand – not condone – the behavior of people branded as bigots.

Ade: That raises two points for me – First is around the ‘unhealed stuff’ and the second is around ‘responsibility’. In terms of the unhealed stuff, I can certainly empathize with the Cardinal, for I can see the human side of him when I do that. I remember in my early 20s being in the closet and I did not like being in the presence of gay men. In fact, I remember outing someone in a not so nice way – I had plenty of shame around being gay and outing someone made me think that no one would then ever guess that I was ‘that’ too… but that was a long time ago and I did the work to heal that shame and continue to do so. If the cardinal is indeed gay, he needs to consciously go on that journey of doing his own inner work and heal that shame. In terms of the second point, I do believe that if we are going to be in position of working with people, we have a responsibility to do our own inner work. Otherwise, we might find ourselves consciously and unconsciously emotionally and mentally abusing those who come to us – as a priest, the cardinal therefore had a responsibility to do the work. This is a man who is almost 80, and while shame has no age limit… as a priest, he could have done better. But then as Alan Downs said in The Velvet Rage, perhaps he was simply ‘overwhelmed by shame’.
Darren: Yes the responsibility aspect really hits home to me. Thinking about my own role and responsibility as a coach / group facilitator I am mindful that I also bring my ‘stuff’ to the table. It is important that I keep healing myself and that I am conscious in the work I do and the interactions I have. I have to be constantly vigilant that I am centered and keeping my interactions as ‘clean’ as possible – meaning that I do not impose my own shame onto others. What occurs to me is that we are still at such an early stage in our evolution as human beings and that awareness of our self is still in its infancy. As such there are many people out there who have immense power and responsibility, but are malnourished when it comes to their sense of self and therefore do not have the ability to lead.

Ade: I guess to an extent many people (myself included) who work with other people in helping them step into their best lives are ‘wounded healers’. And with that comes a responsibility to acknowledge our own wounds. For as you say, if we do not acknowledge those wounds, then it will simply lead to wounding other people who come our way for support.

I guess the other thing that comes up for me is around why gay men hang out in environments that are homophobic. I heard that it is estimated that around 40% of catholic priests are gay. And yet, the doctrine of the church is not accepting or loving towards gay people. I can certainly relate to the hiding, for again during my closeted days, I went regularly to a homophobic Pentecostal church – it was the perfect place to hide as everyone there played ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ and colluded in the denial and silence … and yet deep beneath the surface, there was also a huge self loathing that I carried…. shame and self-loathing… again, that brings us back to the matter of  ’unhealed wounds’…. Perhaps that is the answer to all that is going on in life – if we take the time to face and do the work on our unhealed wounds – then we transform, those around us transform and our world also transforms… But it takes courage to face those wounds….

Anyway I digress, why do you think gay men hide out in homophobic environments?
Darren: Part of me thinks that we want to be accepted and that we put ourselves in those environments in the hope that we will somehow, eventually, by some miracle, be accepted. I remember at school being drawn to the bullies and part of me thought ‘Wow imagine being accepted by these boys, of all the boys.’ That thought felt powerful because if it were to come true it would be the biggest turnaround possible and would be the biggest proof that I was actually ‘ok.’ I suppose I was looking for validation from the people least likely to give it to me. That felt like the biggest prize. To be accepted by the other ‘outsiders’ was alright, but to be accepted by the enemy felt exceptional. I’m sure there are other things at play too… That was just my first thought.

Ade: Never looked it that way before. I often think it’s about finding a place to hide and in some cases simply to reinforce a denial of being gay. This quote is from The Velvet Rage -

“ Many gay men who are in denial of their sexuality gravitate to strong, anti-gay activities and organizations. Venture into any church that preaches a strong anti-gay message, and you are guaranteed to find more than a sample of gay men who are actively in denial of their sexuality….”

That also relates to something that I read about Gareth Thomas recently, who said that he had hoped playing rugby would make him straight during his closeted days, and that he hid his sexuality because of his shame.
Darren: I never had the experience of hoping that by being amongst straight guys that it would somehow make me straight or that it would help to hide me. I just wanted to gain acceptance for who I was from those groups. I did not really position myself within such groups – even though I wanted them to accept me. Instead I found my own tribe – girls and other boys who were witty and clever (and usually gay) Within these groups I found my own sense of freedom but it was still very limited and it cut myself off from the wider world. It was damage limitation. Today my challenge is to step outside of the protective world that I inhabit (some may say hide within) and live in a wider context. When I look at my life now it is a very subtle and elaborate structure that enables me to avoid what I imagine to be a hostile wider world. That was quite a revelation to me as I thought I was simply living a free and self-expressed life!

Ade: I guess each person has his own reason. For me staying in a place that is so openly unaccepting of me implies that I am not nurturing or valuing myself. For why would I want to be in a place that is telling me that there is something wrong with me. And I’d be interested to know how Cardinal O’Brien’s parishioners who are gay felt about sitting in church and listening to one of his sermons and knowing that he and the Church felt that homosexuality was ‘immoral’.
Darren: Indeed. I don’t think I would be able to do that. If something does not feel right for me I usually manage to move away from it. I remember being taken to boy scouts and it just did not work for me so I never returned. Also, when I knew I was gay and was a teenager I saw all the boys hanging out on the playing fields behind my house and although I felt lonely I also knew that I could not join them as it just wasn’t me. The same thing happened when a big Evangelist Church roadshow came to town. Part of me wanted to find a spiritual pathway but even among all the clapping and enthusiasm, I just did not feel right so I stopped attending. The more I think about it, the more I am realizing that I have always had a reasonably healthy relationship to this. I attended a Young Conservatives group when I was around 14 and only managed 2 meetings. Even though I wanted to belong to something, this environment and these ideas did not resonate and so I stopped going. I found my place of acceptance and companionship in the Youth Theatre groups that I attended. Not only was I accepted, but I was also applauded!

So thinking about this conflab and where we started I think that there are many challenges to face. Because of where we are in our evolution it is imperative that we challenge the status quo – be that religious thinking, politics, social policy, education… the list goes on. We can investigate and learn and evolve so that we can then apply that awareness and understanding to our families, structures and communities. We can do this on a very personal level by challenging ourselves and looking deeper. This will then result in us living our lives differently and that will impact and influence others. As for those already established in positions of authority – well they will no doubt be tested and at times exposed. Actions always speak louder than words and when there is a big discrepancy between the two, we know there is still a lot of work to be done both for ourselves and the world at large.

Ade: There is plenty of work to be done indeed…. one of the things that I would love to see come out of this unfolding story are more discussions about the importance of doing the inner work. I already hear some talk about outing closeted homophobic people, I feel that is counter productive – for that simply shames the shame, rather than release the shame. What we need to be calling for is the importance and necessity of doing that inner work – there are no shortcuts, if we want to transform our world, each of us needs to do that and go on that inner journey.
Darren: I agree. Doing the inner work gives us access to our own power. This creates the conditions for a transformed world.
Ade: Indeed. Look forward to more conversations with you on this topic as the story continues to unfold….

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